Legal Guardian

Joshua sat on the soft carpet, playing with his remote control train at his Auntie Laurie’s house. Since he stayed here so often, he had come to think of this as his room. The walls were blue, his favorite color, and there was a rocking chair his size. Joshua loved the bed at Aunt Laurie’s. It was so big that he could lay sideways without his toes going off the edge. The blanket was the same color as the walls, and there were enough pillows to build a really big fort. Joshua especially liked the bed because there weren’t any crumbs in it, like there were at home. Also, he felt grown up sleeping in such a huge bed. His cornflower-colored eyes followed the bright red locomotive as it chugged around the oval track. He imagined the beige carpet to be towns and cities.
Joshua was staying at his Auntie Laurie’s house while his parents were out of town. They were coming back today, so he had to get in as much playing as possible before going home.
He could tell something was wrong the minute Auntie Laurie came into the room because she was crying. Joshua had never seen her cry before, and was very unsettled by his aunt’s sudden change. He tip toed over the train set to her.
“Auntie Laurie?” he asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Joshua." His aunt looked into his expectant little face, the face of a happy child. She sat down in the tiny rocking chair and put her head in her hands. Auntie Laurie peered at him through her fingers. There was no more dancing around it. She had to tell him. "It’s your mommy and daddy, sweetie. They were in an accident.” She broke into loud sobs. “They’re gone, Joshua. Your mommy and daddy are never coming back.” Joshua’s little mouth twisted itself around as he tried to comprehend the news.
“No,” he said, “They’re coming back today. Mommy told me so last night. On the phone, remember?” His big blue eyes searched his aunt’s puffy brown ones.
“They can’t come back. They’re gone. Forever.” Her voice broke on the last word.
“No, no! They promised. You don’t break a promise. You can’t break a promise. If you break a promise, you’re a liar!” His tiny hands formed into tiny fists and his face was flushed with frustration. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” Laurie knelt and drew her young nephew into a hug. They rocked back and forth together on the carpet, as his words became one long howl.

Lauren Miller was thirty-two years old and in no way equipped to take care of a four-year-old child. She was a career driven woman; she had never wanted children, even when she was a little girl. While her sister played house, Laurie would play ‘business woman’, a game that consisted of putting on her mother’s glasses and heels and sitting at her father’s desk. Taking care of Joshua for a couple of days was fine; she could just give him back to his parents when she was tired of him. But now, she was his legal guardian. Legal guardian. What the hell did that even mean, anyway? And beyond having to care for her grieving nephew, she had a double funeral to plan.
***
Laurie woke the next morning with dried tears around her eyes. She sat down at the kitchen table with a phone book and the telephone, and started making calls. She was fried by the time she phoned the florist.
“No. No roses. Daffodils.” Peonies are okay; chrysanthemums are not. “White peonies... Well, get some. I’m not going to have pink and yellow together at my sister and her husband’s funeral.” I don’t care if daffodils are too happy. She would have wanted daffodils. “Thank you. The twelfth. Saint Peter’s Church. Good bye.”
* * *
That night, once Joshua was asleep, Laurie called her boyfriend.
“Yes?” He answered after the fourth ring.
“Hi. It’s Laurie.”
“Oh my god, Laurie. What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Karl, I have no idea what I’m going to do with this kid; he lost his parents for Christ’s sake. I know I’m asking a lot, but you’ve just got to help me. I’m a wreck.” There was silence on the other end of the line, and then Karl took a deep breath.
“It’s okay Laurie. Everything’s gonna be okay. Why don’t we take him to the beach? Kids love the beach.”

The intense blue water folded upon itself again and again and again, until it crested and splattered on the sand. A redheaded boy in orange swim trunks loped into the water, splashing and playing. Two seagulls circled him, like doves circling Jesus in a religious painting. On the boy’s face was a look of pure elation. Laurie’s gaze roamed over to Joshua. He was sitting in the hot sand, slimy with sunscreen. Beside him was an upside down blue pail that she had bought yesterday on a whim. Joshua had been making a sand castle, but now he was just staring at the ocean, his little eyes unfocused. A week ago, Joshua would have been frolicking in the water, right along side the boy with the orange swim trunks. But now, he was sitting in the scorching, itchy sand, mere feet from relief, and he didn’t care about any of it.
“What’s wrong with him?” The question shocked Laurie. She looked over at Karl and saw he was expecting an answer.
“What do you think is wrong with him? He’s an orphan now. He’s alone in the world. You have to cut him some slack.”
“I’m just saying: It’s not normal for him to stare off into space like that.”
“Do you know what’s normal for a kid who just lost his parents? Do you? Because you’re a construction worker, not a social worker.”
“Jesus, Laurie. Don’t get so defensive.” His voice was getting louder and people around them started shifting uncomfortably.
“He doesn’t have anybody else to defend him anymore.”

Joshua woke to the knocking of his aunt on his door.
“Joshua, please get up. You have to eat breakfast. We’re supposed to be at the church by eleven. I’ll help you get dressed after you eat and brush your teeth.” He heard her walk away from the door. Joshua rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. He didn’t want to get up. He was still sleepy. Joshua closed his eyes.
Bang, bang, bang. Joshua was jolted back into conciseness.
“Joshua, open this door. I’m not kidding. We have to be there in half an hour. You need to eat breakfast.” Joshua groaned in a way too old and tired for a four-year-old. He slid out of his big bed and plodded across the beige carpet. His train was still set up, but he had not played with it for about a week now. He had stopped playing completely after his parents died. Joshua opened the door to reveal the angry red face of his aunt. She was already dressed. Auntie Laurie was wearing a black suit jacket and skirt. Her hair was done up fancily and she clutched a little black bag as if it would help her get through the day. “Go eat breakfast. Karl’s meeting us there.” Joshua nodded. He liked Karl. Karl always kept his distance around Joshua, and Joshua appreciated it. He did not like having to talk to people. Joshua walked down the hall to the kitchen and fetched a box of sugary cereal from the cupboard. Auntie Laurie didn’t eat breakfast herself, so whenever she had Joshua over, she would bring him to the supermarket and let him choose whatever he wanted. The chocolate rice puffs with marshmallows were soaking in a bowl on the table. He sat there, spooning the cereal into his mouth. Milk was everywhere. It pooled on the table and dribbled down his chin. He could hear Auntie Laurie in his room, moving about. He ate in silence until all there was left in his bowl was a lake of pinkish-brown milk. He left the bowl on the table; Auntie Laurie would take care of it. When he reached his room, he saw the suit laid out on his bed. Joshua had not worn a suit since Uncle Greg and Aunt Shelia’s wedding. He did not want to wear it again. Joshua shook his head. Laurie put her hands on her hips.
“Joshua, take off your pajamas.” He shook his head again, this time more emphatically. He did not want to wear the suit. “Joshua, I am so tired of putting up with your nonsense. Take your pajamas off.” Joshua put his hands on his hips, mimicking his aunt. Like a viper attacking a mouse, her hand reached out and snatched his little arm. She then proceeded to pull of his pajama shirt. Joshua squirmed and squeaked in protest. Joshua fell to the floor with a thunk as she yanked his pants down. She stood over him with her arms crossed. Joshua was crying now, more with frustration than anything else. He sniffed. She held out his shirt and he put his arms through the holes. As she buttoned up the shirt, he could see her eyes were wet too.
They did not speak on the car ride to the church. Joshua sat in the backseat, looking at his shoes and resenting Auntie Laurie. She had never been like this before. He used to love Auntie Laurie. He used to wish he could live at her house all the time. Faced with the reality, however, he was not happy about it.

They pulled into the parking lot of Saint Peter’s with one minute to spare. Laurie parked the car, and Joshua unbuckled himself and opened the door. Laurie mused that he was becoming more independent all the time. Well, it was probably a good thing; if she was going to take care of him, it would be good that she didn’t have to wipe his nose every four seconds. Karl stood in the doorway of the church, one hand in the pocket of his dress pants. His shoulders were slightly hunched and he kept glancing at his watch. Relief flooded his face the moment he saw Laurie.
“We’ve been waiting for you.”
“Sorry, we had some problems getting ready.” He kissed her and Joshua gave them a dark look. Karl laughed uncomfortably. The three entered the church together, Laurie clinging to Karl’s arm and Joshua trailing behind. Laurie could feel the burning heat of all the eyes on her. It made her want to curl up, right then and there, and never move again. As they slid into the front pew, she heard murmuring behind her, which she imagined to be:
“That poor little boy, no one left in the world but his incompetent aunt.”
“How is she going to raise him? She knows nothing about children.”
“I bet they were late because she was at a loss as to how to help him get ready.” Judgmental old women with short white hair and thin lips. Women who loved to criticize the younger women, but would never lift a finger to help. She could picture them behind her, in their three-piece pantsuits. Beside her, Karl nodded at the priest, who began the service. He had a thin voice that was easy to tune out. Laurie focused on the caskets in front of her. They were cherry with ornate copper handles. Picking them out had been one of the worst experiences of her life. They were both closed, since the corpses had been left mangled and burnt by the crash. Laurie had been so thankful she did not have to identify them; the police had used dental records. She was abruptly pulled back into the present when Karl squeezed her hand. She looked over at him and thought, in a rather detached manner, that it was nice of him to come. This was no longer her sister and brother-in-law’s funeral. The little boy sitting next to her was no longer her orphaned nephew. She was no longer Laurie Miller. She was separate, in a blissful, almost insane way. She waded through the praying and singing, kneeling and mumbling obediently along with the rest of the congregation. The service ended and someone took her by the hand. She was completely unaware of who was leading her and why, but she followed like an obedient child being led to safety. She looked around and found herself in the back seat of a car with Karl. It rolled to a stop and someone helped Laurie out. There it was. The cemetery.

Joshua stood at his parents’ gravesites and frowned. He still wasn’t completely sure what was going on. All he knew was, he was wearing a stuffy suit, the church had been hot and he had gotten bored and fidgety. No one had explained to him that his parents were in the boxes, so he was confused by the current activities. Then he saw Auntie Laurie, standing across the holes from him and leaning on Karl. She looked so lost and scared, that he wanted to comfort her. He walked around the pits that reminded him of twin beds and stood before her. She did not see him, so he took her hand. Auntie Laurie looked down and finally saw him, for the first time in a week. She knelt and gave him a hug as his parents’ coffins were lowered gently into the ground.

The next day, Laurie did not want to get out of bed. She lay there; just breathing and telling herself it everything was going to be fine when the phone rang. Rolling over, she picked it up off its cradle.
“Laurie?” It was Karl. He sounded sad.
“Yes?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t be this boy’s father. I hate kids. I think we should stop seeing each other. Just for a while.” Her stomach clenched as the words tumbled out of his mouth.
“You don’t understand. I can’t do this alone, Karl.”
“Yes you can.” She hung up the phone. Then she saw the little figure in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. Joshua did not say anything. He simply crawled into her bed and she put her arms around him. His feet were cold. “You’re all I have now,” she thought.

rant

I apologize for this sudden explosion of my opinions, but I just feel the need to put them out there, no matter if they change anyone else's view or not.

First of all, gays, lesbians, bi-sexual, and trans-sexual individuals are PEOPLE. People are entitled to rights. These rights include the ability to not be discriminated against. I know some people are made uncomfortable by these people and believe their discomfort is a valid reason to deny these people certain privileges. Some people use their religion as an excuse to discriminate against these people. "The Bible says gay sex is a sin!!!" And they point out one certain passage. I have read this passage. The passages surrounding it refer to wearing two different types of fabric at the same time as a sin, as well as eating pork. So if you're eating a hot dog right now and wearing cotton and rayon, you're as bad as a man who has sex with another man in God's eyes.

BUT, YOUR BIBLE SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONSTITUTION. Say what you want, but this country was founded on religious freedom. Not the freedom to be whatever approved denomination of Christianity you want, but complete and total religious freedom.

And one more thing. Remember slavery? People used the Bible to defend that as well. Remember when women had no rights? Well, the Bible says women are inferior.

So please, keep your "holy book" out of policy. How would you feel if it was used to discriminate against you?

Now, onto the myth that legalizing gay marriage is going to destroy the family as we know it. First of all who are you to say what a family is? Sometimes, the dad leaves and it's just a mom and a kid. Sometimes, the parents die and the kids have to live with grandparents or an aunt or uncle. Sometimes people can't, or decide not to, have their own kids and decide to adopt or have foster kids. Sometimes people are thrown out of their biological family and make a family of close friends. Are any of these not a family? Who says what a family is? Some people say the sole purpose of a family is to procreate. I disagree. I think the purpose of a family is to have people who will love you no matter what and whom you can depend on. And who is to say whom you can or can't love?

Oh, and having a male and a female parent doesn't make your life better, necessarily. My parents for a long time didn't love each other. They're working on it now, but all through my childhood, I could tell that they couldn't stand one another. I used to wish they would get divorced. I would rather have two parents of the same sex who loved each other than one of each who didn't. Because what are you teaching your kids if you don't love your husband or wife? Besides setting them up for severe anxiety and depression, you're teaching them that hate is okay. That hate is a part of life.

I really wish we could banish hate. Hate is the worst thing humans ever came up with. It's even worse when we start to believe our hate towards people is justified, by saying God hates them too. I read this very powerful line in a book once, said by a gay priest named Tom "It is safe to say you created God in your own image when it turns out God hates all the same people you do." Makes you think, doesn't it? So to all you Bible thumpers who I sometimes wish would go fall through a bunch of operating chainsaws, I love you.

Okay, I have concluded my rant. My blood has cooled down to a simmer. I think I can go back to minding my own business now.

Oh, one more thing. Please don't pray that I will "see the error of my ways" and start to think like you. I don't care if I go to hell for this, but I really do believe that it's okay to be with the person you love, no matter what is or isn't in their pants.

Shitfuckbitchcunt

I get the idea that everyone lately has been cutting off connection with me. I don't know what I am doing that is so repulsive, but it's really starting to take a toll. With people shutting me out, I feel even more lonely than I do usually. It hurts. I don't have any idea what to do. I guess some people are assholes and I have to deal with that. This is ridiculous.